Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Have you ever had one of those conversations with a loved one that was hard to start, but once you dove in, and realized it was too late to turn back, you just surfed it, hoping you wouldn't say something you'd regret later? I had one of those last night.

It was exhilerating and scary, because I have quite a history of not saying the things I need to say in relationships, especially when I need to say them in order to protect myself. I'm a practiced avoider. I tend to repress all my feelings of hurt or resentment, until they come out in a surge of anger later on, leading to more hurt and resentment. I'm trying really hard to get out of that habit, but I'm so afraid of hurting my loved ones or of saying something I'll regret.

So now I'm feeling proud of myself, but also anxious, because I don' t know if my partner did what he normally does last night (go over and over the conversation, start to seethe, and then drink too much to control feelings of anger.) In the past, when I've been really honest, I've actually lost him. Now I wonder if I have again, or, if he'll surprise me the way he did at times inour conversation, being open and understanding and forgiving.

I have to remind myself that he's an adult and has responsibility for whatever feelings he's having right now about me or the relationship. I have to remind myself that I'm an adult, who only has responsibility for my own actions, and not his. I have to remind myself that I'll be OK, no matter what happens with this relationship or any relationship. I have to remind myself that I finally took care of myself last night, and that that's a good thing, no matter what the outcome is. Oh, and not to mention that it's OK not to be in a relationship, too.

I sometimes wonder
if I'll ever really be able to have one of those "normal" relationships, and even if there is such a thing. All those happy couples on TV and in books, it's not really like that for real people, right? In movies and love stories, there's no farting and bad breathe, and boredom, and conflicting sex drives, and little comments that get misinterpreted, and stupid fights, and wondering whether it's OK to let him pay this dinner bill, or whether I should contribute, because he buys me dinner a lot and I don't reciprocate as often as I'd like to, and worries over how to say the things I feel I need to say, and the creeping depression that's come over me in every relationship I've ever been in....I guess my life's no movie or book, but then whose is?

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